Good Mum, Bad Mum
I am a Good Mum.
I know I am a Good Mum.
I love my children, I try my hardest and I am guided by some amazing women who I am lucky to have as role models.
Despite feeling like I am a Good Mum, based on appearances and the occasional public effort to allow my children to learn life lessons, the rest of society may not always agree.
In this post I want to discuss three things. Public appearances, learning life lessons in public and the glorified "Bad Mum" movement.
Firstly; appearances. I recently read an article pleading Mums to have more respect for their children and ensuring that the faces of children were wiped clean more frequently, so that children weren't out and about with messy faces. It was well written and made a very fair argument.
I will also raise my hand-not so proudly-and fess up to the fact that I am not the best at keeping the faces of my beautiful children clean. I make an effort when they have runny noses, for obvious reasons, however when it comes to post lunch mess whilst out and about, I have been caught out!
I have also been caught out, forgetting to wash the faces of my boys on the occasional, horrid rush of a pre-work morning when I have been slightly less organised than normal. This rush, resulting in my children having 'brushed' their own teeth before leaving the house and then, having had eaten breakfast in the car. We have, on more than one occasion, arrived at Kindy with both; cream cheese and tooth paste, evident on the faces of my children.
My beautiful sister and I were at the park a little while ago and whilst watching our children play noticed that the younger two, looked rather dishevelled. They were about eighteen months old at the time and one of them had a little bruise on his forehead. Their faces proudly sported what had been on the lunch menu and their clothing was dirty from lunch and the park play. One also needed a nappy change. As we both lovingly looked on at our children as they had the time of their lives we decided that based on appearances we would most certainly have been judged by the general public. We found it insanely hilarious to arrive at the conclusion that we only felt comfortable (and un-judged) if only one out of the following; bruises (so common with children who are exploring their world with great tenacity, regardless of the development of gross motor control), cleanliness of faces, cleanliness of clothing and the state of nappy, were needing attention. If two of the above were needing attention, action stations were essential in order for us to feel comfortable.
The moment was made even more hilarious when we noted that out of all of the children at the park, they were by far the dirtiest. They were however, insanely happy. And we, once the nappy was changed and the face was wiped, were also very happy.
There have been many a times, when the public appearance of my children had been far from top notch. Does this make me a Bad Mum? Nope it doesn't.
Public life lessons, also, do not make me a Bad Mum.
As a Mum, I have expectations for the behaviour of my children which reflect the values that my husband and I have in our home. One of these expectations is that my children must learn that when we go out they do not always get something new. This reflects my 'Captain Planet' tendencies, supports our belief that you need to be grateful for what you have and also that money, simply, does not grow on trees. There have been a few, memorable moments whilst at the Mall that this life lesson has been very public. I am mostly very patient with my boys and for the sake of raising the boys as best as I can, in alignment with our family values, I will sacrifice my pride and accept internal embarrassment in my efforts made so that my boys learn the harsh lessons of being a consumer within the context of a consumer driven world.
Let us also be clear, during these moments, I do not smack or raise my voice. Normally I simply repeat; "I love you my son and you are entitled to feel upset, however we are not buying a new toy, you have so many at home."
Regardless of efforts, in the public eye, you're very damned if you do and damned if you don't. The faces that look upon you during these teachable moments express a range of opinions. From "shut that kid up" to "you are so mean, just give him what he wants", to "what a spoilt s***". The looks can really unravel you if you let them.
These moments can be so very testing because; my son is allowed to be disappointed and upset. His expression of emotion, albeit loud, is valid and although I feel for him, it is not going to change the outcome of "no". Also, he is not a "spoilt s***", he is learning.
We haven't had any of these memorable moments with Otis yet so I am really only talking of Jarome here. However as a four year old, he is now really good when we head to the Mall. He is very capable of accepting "no, son", especially if on the way to the Mall I have explained our purpose of heading to the Mall and have also reiterated that he will not be getting a toy on this visit.
Public life lessons can be really hard on both child and Mum, but they are worth it in the long run despite the judging onlooker.
In these moments, I am not a Bad Mum.
Lastly, I feel like there has been a lot of attention through social media placed on the hilarities of the "Bad Mum" movement. I do get them and many of them are funny. One of my favourite comedic acts is by Michael McIntyre about how people without children just "don't know". However, there are just so many memes relating to how the stresses of motherhood are only managed through coffee and wine or memes that hint at children in general being the largest stress in the life of a mother.
I think it is sad for this to be the most commonly expressed and most 'normal' focus.
Yes, motherhood is trying.
Yes, we need to be more supportive of our fellow mothers, especially when many families are across countries and lack family support and networks.
Yes, less judgment about the MANY different, and equally valid, ways to raise children would be wonderful.
Yes, I do stay up until midnight most days so that I can enjoy a few hours of complete chill out time.
Motherhood is beautifully character shaping, with all of it's brilliant ups and downs. However, why have the "whinge about my children" memes become more of a normality than beautiful quotes reminding all the hard working and strong mothers out their just how worth while their efforts are and reflecting on just how brilliant motherhood truely is? I don't mean to sugar coat life as a mother. Like I said before, we all have our days, however, why are we focussing on the stress?
I choose to focus on the beauty. I choose to focus on how I have grown since having children. I choose to focus on the stories shared and kisses given. I choose to acknowledge the perspectives of others, yet cherish my own perspectives of how motherhood is a blessing and that my children are precious and sacred.
As a mother, I have the privilege of being the guardian of another soul. Such an honour isn't meant to be easy.
I am a Good Mum. Even, if I don't always look like one.
I know I am a Good Mum.
I love my children, I try my hardest and I am guided by some amazing women who I am lucky to have as role models.
Despite feeling like I am a Good Mum, based on appearances and the occasional public effort to allow my children to learn life lessons, the rest of society may not always agree.
In this post I want to discuss three things. Public appearances, learning life lessons in public and the glorified "Bad Mum" movement.
Firstly; appearances. I recently read an article pleading Mums to have more respect for their children and ensuring that the faces of children were wiped clean more frequently, so that children weren't out and about with messy faces. It was well written and made a very fair argument.
I will also raise my hand-not so proudly-and fess up to the fact that I am not the best at keeping the faces of my beautiful children clean. I make an effort when they have runny noses, for obvious reasons, however when it comes to post lunch mess whilst out and about, I have been caught out!
I have also been caught out, forgetting to wash the faces of my boys on the occasional, horrid rush of a pre-work morning when I have been slightly less organised than normal. This rush, resulting in my children having 'brushed' their own teeth before leaving the house and then, having had eaten breakfast in the car. We have, on more than one occasion, arrived at Kindy with both; cream cheese and tooth paste, evident on the faces of my children.
My beautiful sister and I were at the park a little while ago and whilst watching our children play noticed that the younger two, looked rather dishevelled. They were about eighteen months old at the time and one of them had a little bruise on his forehead. Their faces proudly sported what had been on the lunch menu and their clothing was dirty from lunch and the park play. One also needed a nappy change. As we both lovingly looked on at our children as they had the time of their lives we decided that based on appearances we would most certainly have been judged by the general public. We found it insanely hilarious to arrive at the conclusion that we only felt comfortable (and un-judged) if only one out of the following; bruises (so common with children who are exploring their world with great tenacity, regardless of the development of gross motor control), cleanliness of faces, cleanliness of clothing and the state of nappy, were needing attention. If two of the above were needing attention, action stations were essential in order for us to feel comfortable.
The moment was made even more hilarious when we noted that out of all of the children at the park, they were by far the dirtiest. They were however, insanely happy. And we, once the nappy was changed and the face was wiped, were also very happy.
There have been many a times, when the public appearance of my children had been far from top notch. Does this make me a Bad Mum? Nope it doesn't.
Public life lessons, also, do not make me a Bad Mum.
As a Mum, I have expectations for the behaviour of my children which reflect the values that my husband and I have in our home. One of these expectations is that my children must learn that when we go out they do not always get something new. This reflects my 'Captain Planet' tendencies, supports our belief that you need to be grateful for what you have and also that money, simply, does not grow on trees. There have been a few, memorable moments whilst at the Mall that this life lesson has been very public. I am mostly very patient with my boys and for the sake of raising the boys as best as I can, in alignment with our family values, I will sacrifice my pride and accept internal embarrassment in my efforts made so that my boys learn the harsh lessons of being a consumer within the context of a consumer driven world.
Let us also be clear, during these moments, I do not smack or raise my voice. Normally I simply repeat; "I love you my son and you are entitled to feel upset, however we are not buying a new toy, you have so many at home."
Regardless of efforts, in the public eye, you're very damned if you do and damned if you don't. The faces that look upon you during these teachable moments express a range of opinions. From "shut that kid up" to "you are so mean, just give him what he wants", to "what a spoilt s***". The looks can really unravel you if you let them.
These moments can be so very testing because; my son is allowed to be disappointed and upset. His expression of emotion, albeit loud, is valid and although I feel for him, it is not going to change the outcome of "no". Also, he is not a "spoilt s***", he is learning.
We haven't had any of these memorable moments with Otis yet so I am really only talking of Jarome here. However as a four year old, he is now really good when we head to the Mall. He is very capable of accepting "no, son", especially if on the way to the Mall I have explained our purpose of heading to the Mall and have also reiterated that he will not be getting a toy on this visit.
Public life lessons can be really hard on both child and Mum, but they are worth it in the long run despite the judging onlooker.
In these moments, I am not a Bad Mum.
Lastly, I feel like there has been a lot of attention through social media placed on the hilarities of the "Bad Mum" movement. I do get them and many of them are funny. One of my favourite comedic acts is by Michael McIntyre about how people without children just "don't know". However, there are just so many memes relating to how the stresses of motherhood are only managed through coffee and wine or memes that hint at children in general being the largest stress in the life of a mother.
I think it is sad for this to be the most commonly expressed and most 'normal' focus.
Yes, motherhood is trying.
Yes, we need to be more supportive of our fellow mothers, especially when many families are across countries and lack family support and networks.
Yes, less judgment about the MANY different, and equally valid, ways to raise children would be wonderful.
Yes, I do stay up until midnight most days so that I can enjoy a few hours of complete chill out time.
Motherhood is beautifully character shaping, with all of it's brilliant ups and downs. However, why have the "whinge about my children" memes become more of a normality than beautiful quotes reminding all the hard working and strong mothers out their just how worth while their efforts are and reflecting on just how brilliant motherhood truely is? I don't mean to sugar coat life as a mother. Like I said before, we all have our days, however, why are we focussing on the stress?
I choose to focus on the beauty. I choose to focus on how I have grown since having children. I choose to focus on the stories shared and kisses given. I choose to acknowledge the perspectives of others, yet cherish my own perspectives of how motherhood is a blessing and that my children are precious and sacred.
As a mother, I have the privilege of being the guardian of another soul. Such an honour isn't meant to be easy.
I am a Good Mum. Even, if I don't always look like one.
A collection of photos-all except two-taken by my amazingly talented sister. She is the brilliant documenter of many a family moment. She beautifully captures our children, being children and our sisterhood being Good Mums.
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