Discussions of death

"Mum, the bee is dead!" Jarome calls out. 

"The ants are eating him..get away ants!!!!" My four year old yells as he attempts to squash the ants with a stick.

I ask him to stop. "Son, the ants need to eat and the bee is dead. Just sit and watch them. At least his body will become energy for the ants now. If you squash the ants they will be dead as well as the bee."

To which Jarome replies; "But if we put him in the garden his energy will become a flower".

As we are in the middle of a discussion about the bee and the ants, Otis picks the bee up and gently strokes his little finger down its body. 

"Otis the ants were eating him, we need to put him back." I explained and began to lead Otis by his free hand to the place we found the bee and the hungry ants. As we walk, Jarome picks up one of the many shells strewn across the garden. 

"Mum let's put him in this and then in the garden. The ants can find him there and he can be a flower too."

The bee was placed in the shell and into the garden. For good measure, Jarome quickly poured some mulch over the dead bee. "I hope he can become a flower before the ants find him."

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The topic of death and dying became one of great interest when Mum was sick and then even more so when she passed. It was a very raw topic which was simultaneously one of great abstract and curiosity for my son of three. It was also a discussion topic I hadn't yet given much thought to. Initially it was a very challenging topic to talk about.

What do you say to a three year old when he asks; "But Mama what happens to me when you die?"

It was challenging to answer my son's many questions because, being the mother of a just turned, three year old and a new born, I felt, and still do feel, a strong internal yearning for life and a great anxiety about the, one day, inevitable. It is important to me that my boys are not affected by my own personal anxieties-which can be hard.

Death as a topic in itself was also difficult to discuss because I wasn't and am still not one hundred percent secure in what I believe. I was not raised with any spiritual or religious affiliation. As we grew my Mum and I would talk about our own personally shaped beliefs and hopes. As a teenager my sisters, Mum and I enjoyed going to the occasional clairvoyant. My Nana and Gran passed while I was in my teenage years and my two Poppas passed in my early twenties. Through these experiences I found comfort in the hope and feeling of an after life. However, when Mum passed I became quite the sceptic. Death can have a great finality that is really difficult to process. I felt a huge disconnection to the beliefs I had shaped through out my own life. Even now, my outlooks are still evolving as I grieve and seek understanding and acceptance. My lack of security over my own outlooks makes discussions about death with my eldest son a little confronting.

I wish, on many an occasion, I had simply said; "I don't know, what do you think?" and allowed him the opportunity to let his magical imagination guide me towards a shared belief.

Jarome is hugely inquisitive and when Mum passed, like all three year olds, he was full of questions and had no understanding of the gravity of loss. The grief that is lived in the wake of a death can have an overwhelming capacity to really break through you. A three year old is blissfully oblivious to this as they seek understanding. His questions were all beautifully scientific, full of persistent innocence and were hugely curious.

In our family, we accepted the questions of our curious son. My husband and I have different outlooks regarding death, so we haphazardly sought a common space which respected each other and also left Jarome with some space to make his own meaning.

In our home, we celebrate the lives of passed loved ones by talking about them and displaying photos. In regards to Mum, I have a "Nanny Candle" and for birthdays and Christmas I have been purchasing an "angel present" for both Jarome and Otis. Mum was a teacher and tended to love gifting books so I have kept the trend going. These little things help me to feel like she is still represented in our family and family traditions as opposed to a reflection of my beliefs.

I am very curious about the ways in which other families share their beliefs and experiences of death with their children.

It really is all around us in our daily lives. We see death on the screen in plenty a child aimed movie. Many of us serve death on our dinner plates most evenings. Our children witness the deaths of many a creature in the garden and in many families, children are a part of the experience of loosing a loved one. In many ways a child's beautiful innocence, fearless questions and acceptance are an inspiration.

What beautiful rituals has your family created to celebrate the lives of loved ones and what understandings are shared?

How do you discuss death with your children?

What rituals have you created to celebrate the lives of loved ones who have passed?

What understandings have your own beautiful children shaped and expressed in the wake of loss?

"We are just like butterflies which flutter for a day and think it is forever." -Carl Sagan

"The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence." - Carl Sagan